| BURG SMASH HAPLESS GURNARD |
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 Baker writes "Team: Bean, Nick, Chalky, Ashman, Ben, Ash, Dan M (c), Dan S, Sam, Chris, Shane.
Subs: Andy P, Malc, Baker
Scorers: Chris x3, Ash x2, Dan M x2, Malc
Man of the Match: Dan Moody
Coburg Clown of the Match: Andy Preston
Controversy was the key word in the build up to this match. Many a word was said regarding Paul Benitez' make or break 'club' selection this week with 2 first team players on the injury list and 4 regulars left out of the squad in the hope that they could help the 2nd team to some spoils against top of the league Vics.
With El Capitano Bradley, Levi, Spiers, and Bucko all selected for the reserves match, we would need to be on top form to beat a Gurnard team that were tough to beat the last time out.
Baker sportingly chose to run the line for this one just so you know........
The Burg kicked off the game and immediately pressed forward and had Gurnard on the back foot. Some neat play down the left from Ash, Shane, and Chris led to Moody smashing a rocket in to the back of the net off a defender and the goalkeeper. 30 seconds in and we were a goal up.
Now, I must highlight this next part. A couple of minutes after the restart, I witnessed possibly an event rarer than a talented wakes footballer. The ball was punted over the top towards their skeletal striker when, out of nowhere, Andy Ash, yes, ANDY ASH, launched himself headfirst at the ball and actually headed it forward. This was a sign from god that all would be good today. Unfortunately for Ashman, that was as good as it got for him. It was like that header sapped him of any ability thereafter.
The first of Andy's fruitless passes was a back pass to Bean which put him under pressure and had to be belted out for a throw in deep in burg territory. Fortunately Gurnard are just poo and it came to nothing.
After some pressure from burg at the other end, Moody was presented with another shooting opportunity from a similar position to the first. Let's just say that the goalkeeper had to walk off his line to collect the pass from Moody.
Soon after, Sam crossed to the back post where an unmarked Moody leapt like a salmon to head, from 2 yards out, back across the goal and wide.
We needed to start making our chances count. Cue Shane running his little leggies under the defenders and hurdling their last defender in the box only to be chopped down mercilessly mid-flight. Stone cold penalty........ or not as the ref was apparently a racist and doesn't like hobbits. No penalty for you squire!
This only spurred us on and soon after, Ashman decided to step up through the gears and passed the ball straight out for a goal kick. We all know that Samuel Merriweather is as quick as they come but it was nowhere near him. Not to be beat, Andy tried this pass multiple times during the half and only succeeded in finding the fields behind the pitch. By this time the crowd was begging for him to be substituted. Even Ash's Nan was calling him a useless *****wit and warming up to come on in his place. His crowning glory was when he shaped to cross from deep and suddenly yelped as if a sniper had shot him from the grassy knoll. As it turns out, this yelp was his acknowledgement of the awfulness of his cross as the ball ended up in the opposite direction from which intended. Someone please write 'L' and 'R' on his boots so he knows which foot to put each boot on.
Having seen Ashman’s spectacular failings, Moody decided to drift out wide and put a delightful ball into the box which Ash controlled with one touch and dinked it cutely over the despairing defender on the line from 6 yards. 2-0 and in control.
Boosted by the goal, Ashnaldo decided to give us all a glimpse of his FIFA skills and did a couple of kick ups over the gurnard boys heads doing a pirouette mid kick up. This didn't however lead to anything positive and gurnard cleared their lines.
After some more positive play, Sam burst past two defenders to latch on to a through ball from midfield. With the ball running away from him he tried to dink it past the onrushing keeper who did well to block.
In a tactical switch from Paul Benitez, Ash switched wings with Sam and with his next touch, passed the ball into an empty net after Chris squared from the touchline. 3-0 and in total control.
Feeling sorry for Bean, and trying to match Ashman’s pass back, Ben thought he would give Bean some ball time and passed back to him. Bean, wanting some action, thought it would be a great idea to pass it straight to their striker on the edge of the box. In turn, the striker misinterpreted Beans attempt at some kind of action and put it well wide for a goal kick. Ben seemed to like this and a couple of minutes later, thought he would give bean another go. Bean couldn't be bothered to let their striker embarrass himself again and put his laces through it to set us on another attack.
Now I can't quite remember how he scored but Chris got the next..... I think. I was too busy staring at Andy Preston’s short shorts. It was like they were painted on. Malc was literally salivating.
Gurnard decided that passing wasn't their strongest point and so tried to bundle past our midfield, which they did, but it must be said, Storey was unfortunate in that every time he tackled them, the ball would bounce off of another player and land right back into the path of their player. Having made his way to the edge of our area, he dipped a shot marginally over the bar. I think Bean had it covered as he was back peddling and watched it with confidence sail over the bar.
Half time 4-0
Again I was caught staring at Preston’s goods when Moody shot number 5 in at the near post.
Shortly after, Ben got bored and pretended to hurt his shoulder which gave Preston his first chance in the first team, setting out safe in the knowledge that Andy Ash surely had ‘Clown of the Match’ sewn up.
Chris suddenly burst to life and netted twice more, the latter of the two being the pick of the bunch when he ran through and lifted the ball over the onrushing keeper.
Storey, having held firm and linked up all areas of the pitch, decided it was his turn to get on the score sheet. Picking the ball up just past the halfway line, turning expertly past 2 players, he strode unchallenged towards the edge of the box and smashed a shot 90 foot over the bar. Almost mate, almost.
Soon after he quickly closed down their midfielder and once again contrived to bounce the ball off every player right to the feet of the player he tried to tackle in the first place. Realising he had been outdone by the 'div 1 standard' Gurnard superstar, he vented his frustration by whacking the ground with his man fists. His parents, watching from the sideline, comforted him and told him how special he is. This did the trick and he was soon back making tackles that actually worked and working the ball from one side of the pitch to the other.
Ash, meanwhile was running about a lot........ Apparently someone had told him that he is lazy and doesn't run much. Never mind that it wasn't with the ball, at least he could say he was running. Well done Ash.
Moody came close to getting his hat trick but saw his header hacked off the line. His all action display and sheer number of chances warranted a hat trick that never came to be
Preston was settling in to the left back role well now and pulled off some crunching sliding challenges to deny some Gurnard attacking play.
Just when he thought he could do no wrong however, he contrived to rip that ‘Clown of the Match’ award out of Ashman’s hands with an air shot that bucko would be proud of.
With the ball slowly trickling towards him, he calmly stepped forward to confidently launch the ball up field only to completely miss the ball and place his hands on his face in despair with the realisation that COTM was his for sure. Baker, finding this the most hilarious thing since Shaun Hammonds ex missus, fell about in fits of girly laughter. You made my day buddy!
Sam then remembered that he had almost gone a full match without injury and so kicked some defenders studs which resulted in a rapidly swelling forefoot. Malc was told to warm up so he hugged Ben.
Meanwhile their striker, through on goal decided to turn round to the ref and complain about Preston’s shorts rather than continue to play with the ball at his feet, one on one with bean. Nick, playing extremely well, pounced upon the loose ball and lashed it up field.
Whilst Malcyholic was warming up on Ben, their anorexic striker decided to run towards the goal which Ashman took a disliking to and so threw him on the floor. As the ref didn't like Shane still, he awarded Gurnard a penalty. This was what Bean had been waiting for.
Unfortunately for him, the best penalty taker in the world stepped up and smashed an unstoppable effort into the top right corner.
Malc, having thoroughly warmed his genitalia on Ben, eventually made his way on to the pitch and with his first touch, stroked the ball left footed into the corner of the net. Paul Benitez was devastated by this and didn't mince his words. I believe it went something like this......'Who scored that? Malcy? Nooooo!! You're joking me? For ***** sake'.
As we were all walking back celebrating Malcs goal, Preston, deciding to make up for his earlier endeavour, sprinted back to the edge of our box to deny the imaginary striker an obvious goal scoring opportunity.
The only thing that stopped him was bean shouting 'where the ***** are you going?'. We appreciate the effort mate.
Having failed to impress with his denying of the imaginary Gurnard attack, Preston decided to make amends by doing something real and almost got us another goal with a header from a corner marginally going over the bar
Chris also failed to convert a few more chances with one of them looking like his previous goal but instead of knocking it round the keeper; he knocked it round the goal.
Shane continued to fall over as Morety didn't have hold of his reigns, to which Morety demanded he wash the kit as he was muddier than Malcs recollection of how he pulled his missus.
8-1 and match over.
A brilliant result fellas and fully deserved. The unfamiliar defence held firm throughout and restricted them to one hopeful shot and a penalty. Bean didn’t have much to do but did well when needed. Nick and Preston were solid and looked good for a run in the first team more often. Ashman umm..... by his own admission, was tripe. Chalky, as ever, organised the whole defence and didn't put a foot wrong. Ben was full of running but got bored near the end. Ash was full of running with some good goals and all round interplay. Captain Moody looked comfortable all game and deserved his goals. Storey was energetic and linked up play from all over the pitch. Sam was tirelessly chasing Ashman’s 'passes' and was unfortunate not to score. Chris once again weighed in with the goals. Shane ran continually and played in the mud a lot. Malcy proved why he should play upfront rather than in defence by doing something good for once.
Let's not get complacent now. We won comfortably but I can honestly say they were absolutely awful. We will play against teams that are much, much better than gurnard so we need to prove that we can turn in performances like that consistently.
Now for the quarter finals of the Hampshire cup. Smash ‘em Burg!!!
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Posted on Wednesday, February 03 @ 21:02:17 GMT by kev30961 |
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